Finding Community | Melissa McClung

I've never been in a brawl but this was always how I imagined a hit to the solar plexus would feel like.

I read her text message and my shoulders curved inward and I broke out in a cold sweat. My knees felt weak and tears rolled uncontrollably down my face.

"You're never going to find what you're looking for. The problem is you."

Every heartbeat echoed that through my body.

It's me.

I can't remember a time when I didn't crave being part of a group of women where I fit in, where I was accepted and where I could serve. The oldest child and the only girl in my family, I wanted a sister more than I wanted anything and I would have been more than happy to create that sisterhood with someone I didn't share blood with. Ironically, relating to women has been one of the hardest tasks of my life. I've heard it all, from the attempts at encouragement to the outright insult.

"I think people just find you intimidating."

"Maybe if you just tried a little harder to be interested in the things that they are interested in."

"You won't be everyone's cup of tea."

"You're an ice queen."

"You think you're something special, but you're not."

Through my early adulthood, I learned how to relate to others outside my family. I learned how to turn down my intensity, and express the warmth and compassion I felt for everyone. I learned to be less selfish and egotistical.

Marriage taught me how to relax and trust someone which smoothed out my edges. Grace taught me that I didn't have to be worthy to be loved and that my value wasn't based on my perfection or productivity. Parenting taught me that my mirror was broken and I wasn't as bad as I had always feared. That I didn't have to smooth over all the ugly things about me with a lot of accomplishment. Entrepreneurship taught me that women could be both career and family focused, that intensity has a valuable purpose, and that there are other people "like me" in the world.

I grew up and I was grateful for the work that God did in my life. I could look back in appreciation for what the younger me had learned, sometimes the hard way. I had a group of women that loved me and appreciated me. I had reciprocal relationships. It was a really good time in my life.

After a lot of prayer, a lot of pain, and a lot of experiences that weighed down our hearts my husband and I had made the decision to find another faith community. This was a very nuanced problem and needed a very nuanced solution. There wasn't one problem, so there wasn't one solution. Faith and belief were definitely not the problem. It also wasn't the people we worshipped with– we loved them and knew they loved us. One of the issues was me, she wasn't wrong.

My friend's reaction to our announcement came from a place of pain, so not all of what she accused me of was true, but it wasn't entirely false either.

This was the reality: to find the community I needed, I was going to have to find another place because the place I was in didn't let me be messy and I really needed to be messy. It was going to take a lot of courage for me to be messy. I had rarely let people see the mess before. That was on me. That was what God needed me to do.

I needed to be authentic. I needed to be honest about my failure. I needed to be able to acknowledge the ugliness in my heart so I could allow God to deal with it.

I had plenty of people who could handle the good things about me, but I needed people who could handle the mess without judgment, accusation or discomfort.

Ultimately, she was wrong in the best way: I have found that community now three times over. At church, at My Play Café and in Be in the Room. God has answered my fervent prayers and has given me more than I asked. He is so faithful.

She was right too: it was me. It's always been me and my own thoughts and sin getting in the way of what I can be for God.

Be in the Room is a place to be celebrated and it's lovely for that. It's so encouraging to be able to share the big things with people who understand and who are also on big growth journeys. I love having people cheer with me. I love being around people with a growth mindset. I've always loved that feeling but finding that hasn't always been hard.

Be in the Room is a great place for the messy middle. It's a place to vent things to people who won't try to fix your problem or correct your thinking. It's not because we are all wallflowers or too meek to call people on the carpet (we can all do that too) but we also know that sometimes you don't need that, you just need someone to witness the negative things. You can be weak.

You can say the wrong things or the right things the wrong way. You can make mistakes and apologize (or not, if that's important to you).

It's a place where you can be all of who you are. We don't all share belief systems, and that is a good thing! We don't all have the same goals, and that's just fine! We are in different seasons. We have different needs and abilities.

We all show up to give and get what we need. Sometimes I need someone to hold my hand and cry with me, and sometimes I need someone to tell me to "stop telling yourself you don't know how to do that. You do." Sometimes I need to encourage others. I need to know that I put a smile on someone's face. Sometimes I can be the problem solver. There is no box to fit in, so there is no box I don't fit in. There is no clique. There is no in group, and so there is no othering and no pressure to be anything other than yourself.

I never knew a place like this.

A place where I didn't have to be a specific kind of person to belong, and where you don't have to be someone specific either.

You belong here. We need you.

I want you to come in, curl up in the corner of my couch and tell me what's new in your life. I want you to make a cup of coffee or tea if that's what you want– whether you live down the road or whether you live in a place I've never heard of before.

I want to give you a hug. I want you to be triumphant and messy. I just want you to be you.